Today is World Mental Health Day, with a focus on suicide prevention.
Now, some of you know that I’m a huge advocate for mental health awareness and live with anxiety. However in April my mental health reached a point that I haven’t shared with many people, but feel it’s important to talk about and encourage the open conversation.
After the ending of my marriage in April, I was on a rollercoaster of emotion, with extremes of every feeling imaginable. But on April 23rd I was at rock bottom and at the very end of my rope. I was driving home from my parent’s house and I broke down, sobbing the whole way back. When I was almost at my house, I kept going, I couldn’t go home. Instead I parked close by and messaged a local friend, begging them to let me into their house, so I wasn’t alone and feeling the way I did.
I felt like I was at the point where I had nowhere else to go, I could get no lower and like the pressure was suffocating me from above.
Suicide is not something I have ever thought about, ever truly understood, and not something I would ever act upon, but I reached a stage at that time where I could see why someone would feel that it was their only option. The emotions were all encompassing, were all I could see, all I could feel and felt there was no way out.
It was truly terrifying to feel like there was nowhere to turn, to feel like a cornered animal – frenzied and scared. That these emotions had become more than mental, but so incredibly physical and they hurt. They drain you of all you are and leave a shell behind.
I was lost, but I had no idea what that meant because I still wanted to be here, and had to live the pain every day and find a way to cope.
This quote holds a lot of meaning for me;
“When you’re at the end of your rope, tie a knot and hold on.”
– Theodore Roosevelt –
It was with help from some truly incredible friends, and from an online mental health peer support group, that I managed to tie a knot in my own rope and I hung on as hard as I could. I am now in a much better place mentally and am so deeply grateful for the beautiful, open-hearted and generous people in my life. I’m honoured to know you all.
This experience taught me so much about the depths of emotion and to be able to truly empathise with people who are at their worst. Not everyone has support, not everyone feels that they have a way out, not everyone has the same experiences.
Therefore, I am here for every person that I’m friends with and if they are ever at a point where their rope is running out, I will help in any way that I feel I am able.