‘If I knew where I lost it…’
I’ve always been a happy guy, trying to be positive as much as possible and appreciative of what I have. Deep down I’m still that person. Recently though, I’ve felt different, as if I no longer feel like me, like I’m lost.
At the moment I feel like I’m running on autopilot. Being a husband and father is all I know how to be and all I love. This is the only time that I feel like I am truly alive, that I have purpose and nothing will take that away from me. However, living in this shell, is affecting other parts of my life, I take things out on my wife that aren’t her fault, I go to work and go through the motions and socialising with friends seems more strenuous than before. This isn’t like me and it makes me feel guilty for letting it affect other people in my life.
It’s difficult to describe, this autopilot ride I’m taking. I’m watching my life from the outside, seeing everything I’m doing but not feeling able to change it. There is an overwhelming sense of being unfulfilled, like something is missing and until I find it, I won’t be myself.
So, how do I find me again?
I can’t definitively answer that question, as it’s still a work in progress. I’ve started by trying to reconnect with things I enjoy and doing things just for me; bouldering, the cinema, reading my Kindle. All things that used to allow me time to think, give me needed alone time and just enjoy myself.
Changing my mind
Is this a state of mind that I can change? Or am I just at a point in my life where I’m bored by parts of it and need to grow?
It didn’t bother me turning 30, but maybe subconsciously it made me take a look at my life and where I was and take stock. Not in a midlife crisis way, I’m not in a hurry to buy a flash car and dress 10 years younger, but in a way that I wanted to know where I stood in the world and how I wanted be.
Am I just bored? Do I need new stimulus? A new hobby? To meet new people and do new things? Overcome new challenges and create new dreams?
Sometimes I think I’m overreacting. Is it ungrateful to feel unhappy when I have a good life? Ungrateful has nothing to do with it, I appreciate how lucky I have been in my life and am thankful for it everyday.
I don’t tend to share my feelings with anyone else but my wife and am more likely to keep it to myself, putting on a brave face so that no one else would notice. I almost didn’t post this incase it seemed whiny or a bit self indulgent and ‘look at me’, which is not how I wanted it to come across. A good friend finally convinced me, when she said it was “refreshing when people put it out there, especially a male as they’re often known for being much more guarded.”
The search continues…
What’s next? I honestly don’t know. It’s just a case of trial and error. I have good days and bad. On the good, I feel like me and content. On the bad, I’m back to living outside myself, wondering why I’m there and scared I won’t get back in. All I can do for now is just live my life and focus on the pleasures in it, both old and new.
The search for Webster continues…